PARENTS: Can't Eat With 'Em, Can't Eat Without 'Em
by: Bryan Bloodsoaker

Parents: 1989 - Rated R, 81 min. Directed by Bob Balaban. Starring Randy Quaid, Mary Beth Hurt, Sandy Dennis


MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm. Yummy in your tummy! Well guys and gals, it looks like it’s gonna be another one of those leftover manwhich type kinda meals tonight. OK…just pulling your liver, heh!

This movie is definitely for the one who loves a good barbecue, DAILY! And since I come from the town where serial killer/ part-time cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer made a few of his own home-grown barbecues, I know exactly how loving “PARENTS”, like the two in this flick, go out of their way to give their child the best home cooking a morgue could buy.

"Growing boys need to finish their cannibalistic dinner."

Michael, who has to make a fresh start in yet another elementary school, is the loving son of Nick and Lily Laemle. Of course, he goes through his weirdo episodes at school. Really, what kid doesn’t? The teachers and counselors think he’s bonkers for some of the stuff he’s been saying in his classroom. Apparently, all of those extra helpings of hamburger helper Michael had devoured at such a young age, made him a bit "medium rare" around the edges.

"We could invite the neighbors over, but they're on the grill already."

My favorite quote from this film was on Michael’s first day of school; he said “if you get a black cat, boil it, and strip its flesh down to the bone, (and bite the bone), you will become invisible!” Not a bad idea, maybe I’ll give that a shot sometime...!

"NEVER walk in on Mommy and Daddy."

Besides introducing the audience to newer and better ways of grilling human remains, this flick contains one of the best lipstick smearin’ love making scenes that ever took center mattress in American cinematic history. As all Michael wanted, was just a glass of water during the middle of the night, he would unknowingly wander into the living room only to find Mom and Dad rolling around banging their meat hooks together. I tell ya; sometimes you’re better off just staying in bed! Lesson learned!

"Admiring a weeks worth of steak."

The death toll was just a minority of only 3 (not including body parts from the Toxico morgue). Michael’s school counselor eventually got smacked into a meat patty, and the loving parents, Nick and Lily, even got romped at the end. That’s a shame, I woulda’ ate leftovers for a whole year in preparation for the sequel.