THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: If you can't be a cowboy...then just be a killer
by: Bryan Bloodsoaker

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: 1974 - Rated R, 83 min. Directed by Tobe Hooper. Starring: Marilyn Burns, Teri McMinn, Paul A. Partain, Allen Danziger, William Vail, Edwin Neal, Jim Siedow, Gunnar Hansen


After treating myself to a couple thousand graveyard smorgasbords, the time has come for yet another review. But before we get going on this, let me wipe the gut juice from my mouth...sssshhhhhwwipe!

OHHHHhh much better!!! Now let’s get down to some real horror business. On August 18, 1973, deep in the heart of Texas, a group of five acid trippin’ punks found themselves smack dab in the midst of our nation’s most brutal tragedy, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

About 26 years before the Blair Witch Project shone new light on the fundamentals of camping, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre introduced to us many other techniques including the extensive art of grave robbing, corpse dismemberment, good barbecue, pocket knives, astrology manuals, and well, the brutal murder of four teen hippies…

"Sylvester Stallone: as The Hitchhiker."

Once Sally, Franklin, Jerry, Pam, and Kirk discover that a relative’s grave had not been violated, they pack into their van, only to give a very strange hitchhiker a lift. After an interesting exchange of photographs, a blade across the arm, and a small release of Franklin’s blood; these drugged out teenie-boppers, fresh outta high school, were really in for the time of their lives, (which were about to end this very day).

Sally and Franklin’s daddy owned property that was conveniently situated right next to the rurally placed house of the chainsaw driven Leatherface, his two brothers (the Hitchhiker and the Cook), and Grandpa. This made it incredibly easy for Leatherface and his fam to brutally kill and dismember their new temporary neighbors.

"I’d scream too...just look at the size of that sausage!"

First Kirk, the tough guy in the group, was hammered over the head by Leatherface and is sent immediately into a thunderous display of convulsing tremors. Second, Kirk’s astrological girlfriend Pam was literally slapped onto a meat hook; her squirming hanging body, catches a brief glimpse of Leatherface powering up his chainsaw. Thirdly, Jerry- the nerd van driver (also commonly known as Sally’s boyfriend), got sledged to his death as well. And fourthly, but certainly no where's near least, the last featured slaying of the flick involved the invalid Franklin. Leatherface showed absolutely NO remorse for this overweight, wheel-chaired headcheese lover, as his chainsaw ripped through Franklin’s chest like a piece of cheap newspaper from an obituary clipping.

"Leatherface: off set having sex with his chainsaw."

Unfortunately, I’m not one for happy endings, seeing that Sally survived this bloody fiasco; however the ending wasn’t a total failure. Before Sally could escape, she was forced to participate in a “Chainsaw Family Sledge Hammer Head Bashing Party,” hosted by none other than Grandpa. The outcome was a total scream.